Do not panic buyI'm going on strike.
For over six months, my contributions to this blog have been fueled by one all-important substance: coffee.
But now the soaring price of the beverage is threatening my way of life. And I'm going to protest until Gordon Brown does something about it.
Oh, politicians can offer their feeble excuses, invoking the old bogeymen "Supply" and "Demand," or trying to distract us with weather reports and harvest statistics from obscure countries. This is simply more of the waffle we've come to expect from New Labour. We all know the government can make everything better if it only chooses to. And it is the government's responsibility to ensure I never have to pay more than I want to for anything. I'm pretty sure that's in the Magna Carta, or maybe the Schengen agreement.
If I enjoy a latte in my local Costa or Caffe Nero (and you're not suggesting I use an espresso maker at home like a peasant, are you?), a whopping amount of the price consists of tax. It seems to me that scrapping the VAT would be a sure way to ease the financial burden. After all, what has tax ever got us, except schools, roads and hospitals? Let the government spend its own money on these things for a while instead of ours.
Some have had the nerve to suggest that I give up my favourite drink, or that I replace it with some treehugger beverage like herbal tea. Do these people even realise what they're saying? If their wild-eyed schemes were ever put into practice, vast swathes of the population would suffer from mild to moderate headaches. We coffee-drinkers are a mammoth force in society. And no one ever told the mammoths they had to 'adapt to changing times,' now did they?
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to stockpile some Celebes Kalosi.
(Non-British readers: click here.)